First things first: A healthy and well-rounded development of all mindsets is crucial. This is possible when we consciously build the capability to shift mindsets depending on the need. In other words, our mindsets must be the means to the ends we need/want, but not the primary driver of our actions. For instance, an overly dominant Defender, acting out of the emotional twins of fear and desire, could result in reactive decision-making rather than well-thought-out strategic thinking.
The dopamine + cortisol-driven Defender mindset is like the lowest gear in a car. It musters great power to help us escape trouble, like when our car wheels get stuck in a muddy ditch or when we fight an immediate danger. However, driving in low gear on the highway of life causes immense stress to the system, eventually causing it to break.
Typically, Defender and Giver (the two feminine mindsets) go hand in hand, and Negotiator and Yogi (masculine) go hand in hand. Either duo is extremely important and functional, but for a consistent, smooth ride in life, we must tap into the other mindsets that may not come naturally to us. For example, if we do not have a well-developed Negotiator mindset, we shuttle our view of the world as well as decision-making between the Defender and Giver. That means that we are eternally reacting to situations or being overly Giver, giving away all our energies, peace of mind, calmness, and joy, and leaving nothing for ourselves, yet feeling we are doing less.
Imagine life as a chess game where every move we make shapes our future. The Negotiator mindset is the master chess player, carefully planning each move to maximize success and avoid pitfalls. The immediate utility of the Negotiator mindset is that we can transform the reactive Defender’s impulses into intelligence with a healthy Negotiator. In other words, the thinking Negotiator is a rational counterbalance to the emotional Defender’s feelings and desires.
So, how do we develop the Negotiator? The starting point is a healthy Defender mindset. Let’s look at a holistic level and see the evolution of all the mindsets, in the loose order—Defender, Negotiator, Giver, Yogi. Please remember, we all have all four mindsets at all times; it’s just that each one’s development is accelerated at different stages of life, and highly influenced by the intensity of our life’s situations.
When we are born, we are born with primal instincts (Defender). Only when the Defender’s typically urgent and immediate needs are met, and its sense of safety and security achieved (through our parents), does it allow the Intellectual Lock to be opened, giving us access to the Negotiator mindset. In other words, our most basic needs—physical and emotional security—must be met first. Otherwise, we live out the scars of our childhood through the rest of our lives.
Slowly, we develop our identity (Negotiator). For instance, the Negotiator thrives starting at age 6 to 7. This is when kids begin to build self-esteem and individuality. The Negotiator in them proclaims, “I am unique.” You can see it in their artwork where they gradually add their unique strokes until they create their truly ‘unique art.’ This goes on into the teenage years when kids are trying to break away from the mold of their parents, seeking distinction and identity, often appearing rebellious.
In all this, the Negotiator is simply asserting its right to be respected as well as its right to autonomy and freedom. The Negotiator defines how we see ourselves (which, in turn, depends on how we think others see us). Suppose we fail to develop healthy self-esteem in childhood or feel our freedom is restricted by culture, customs, etc. In that case, our Negotiator is underdeveloped, and we tend to fall back on Defender-Giver to do things that the strategic Negotiator better handles. We become used to this lop-sided mindset. But, kudos to the Defender and Giver in us, we still power through.
Typically, three factors determine our desire to take action: Why, How, and Mindset. The Negotiator’s Why is material pursuit—artha (means of living) and kama (self-love, self-compassion). The How is long-term strategic planning, say, through the SMART goal-setting framework. SMART stands for Specific, Motivating, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. The Negotiator mindset can be developed by choosing materialistic goals and going about them methodically with determination. With a weak Negotiator mindset (and, strong self-preservative Defender), limiting beliefs are aplenty. Mantra-affirmation (that is, self-affirmations) done with strong faith and emotion of the Giver mindset slowly replaces the negative self-beliefs. With a worthy goal and a determined pursuit, a strong logical and analytical Negotiator can be developed over time.
Neurobiologically, Negotiator is powered by the thinking tissue of the left-prefrontal cortex’s mesocortical dopamine pathway, and is aided by Serotonin (as opposed to the Defender’s left-brain mesolimbic dopamine pathway with help of cortisol, and Giver’s right-brain mesolimbic pathway with help of oxytocin). Thus, anything that helps increase serotonin—sunshine, exercise, yoga postures, good diet—also aids in developing the Negotiator mindset. A healthy Negotiator mindset can help establish a potent ‘gut-brain axis’ leading to a ‘gut-instinct’ that can be useful!
PS: The book goes into much more detail on each mindset, with ample scientific references.
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